Monday, November 22, 2010

Re: Idiot Volvo bus drivers

22nd November, 2010
Bengaluru, Karnataka

Dear citizens of Bengaluru,

I hope this letter finds you high on spirits (lol, no pun intended!). I am writing this letter so that you gain some insight into my life, before you make those nasty remarks and hold a grudge against me. So what if I drive a bus! FYI, the bus I drive is air-conditioned, and manufactured by a Swedish company, so in a way, I am a part of the elite too. Let me begin...

I was born in the sub-urbs of Bangalore. And, like every child, I had dreams. As a child, I used to look up in the sky, at those mighty flying planes, and used to wonder if I could fly them one day. But, over time I realised, planes? Seriously? What fun would be to drive planes in the sky, without any speed-breakers, or traffic, or fun! Of course, I had heard that there were these glamorous air-hostesses, with more make-up on their faces than butter on my toast, but I decided to sacrifice a little, and get a job I would be really interested in doing and love to do every day of my life. I decided to become a bus driver. Not just any bus driver. I chose to drive the elegant, air-conditioned Volvo, the pride of Bengaluru, and lend my services to the society.

Now, you would like to think that I have a boring job. How could driving buses all over Bangalore throughout the day be interesting, you ask? I’ll tell you how. I make people fall in love. Don’t get confused by the word-play there. People in love (or so they think), fall, literally. The moment I notice a guy giving an uncalled for look to a girl on the bus, I press the brakes so goddamn hard, that, well, he falls. That too when I am cruising the bus quite fast at 3000 feet above the sea level (Remember? I had a dream. In true Martin King style.) And then I have a good chuckle. Sometimes this action becomes a necessity too. When the bus is jam-packed, I HAVE to do this so that people inside can settle a little. Twice, or thrice generally does the trick.

Otherwise, I am generally kind to people (ummm, mostly ladies. Ah, what the hell, always ladies). So when I see a damsel in distress on the road, waiting for me to rescue them, I, as if I were a prince riding my steed, stop the bus in the middle of the road, even if it is not a designated halt. And, I always open the front door for them, not the rear, so that I can have a quick look at their pretty faces and dazzling smiles. Oh, their smiles makes my job worth it, everyday! Well, now, this action of mine does not go very well with some idiotic guys. Not entirely their fault though. If they have been meaning to get off through the rear door, I open the front one, and vice-versa. Sometimes, if there are only few guys who have to get off, I race past their stop, and drop them at the next stop. As if I give a damn. :P And sometimes they tend to argue. To them I say this - "ಹೂ ದಿ ಹೇಳಲ್ ಯೌ ಥಿಂಕ್ ಯೌ ಅರೆ". Did not understand what that means? Neither do they! And precisely why I say that. These non-Kannada people think that they can get away without knowing our native language. Hah, think again!

So, next time you are on a Volvo bus, think about me, and know, that whatever I do is out of my sense of service to you, with a couple of practical jokes here and there. All in good spirit though. :)

Humbly, at your service always,
your-friendly-neighbourhood Volvo bus driver