one in a million

Let's get realistic about love.

For this exercise, we will make certain broad assumptions, discounting exceptions and outliers. We will try to figure what's happening statistically when two people fall in love. We will also place our exercise in an Indian social and cultural context.

Let's start with the potential "universe" of people one can possibly fall in love with. We will start with the total population, and reduce for mutually exclusive groups. India has 1.2 billion people. ~50% for the opposite sex -> 600 million. India's median age is 27 years (50% population less than 27 years of age) . For this exercise, assuming that one intends to get married in the age range of 24-32, an 8-year span (our math won't vary much if we increase this window on either side by a few extra years, there is a bulge below this range), we are down to ~80 million.

It gets a little tricky from here. Remove for some semblance of economic backgrounds and we are down to ~8 million (80 lakh). Now from this, remove for religion & caste preferences (I am looking at you Brahmins), dietary preferences (no onion no garlic anyone?), height & weight preferences (taar bijli se lambe humaare piya), complexion preferences (it's only fair, right? Lovely), educational preferences, language barriers and north Indian and south Indian and Gujju and Mallu and Kashmiri and Jat preferences. And so far we haven't removed for people already married or in love with someone else who is not you. And after you have removed for all of the above, you need to be with a person with whom when you spend time, your emotional response to them lies between "surreal" and "I can stand this person" on a scale of butterflies, and the other person's emotional response also lies somewhere in the same ballpark. And whoever you are left with, you haven't even begun to find him/her yet. Given your life experiences of school, college, workplace, pubs, bars, travels, tinder and what not, and the count of people you potentially meet through these life experiences, what are the fuckin' odds.

I had always believed that the concept of "the one" does not hold. But given the odds, and given that there exists atleast "a" one, you are probably better off with a the. Two people falling in love with each other is a statistical miracle.


[from Watchmen] Miracles. Events with astronomical odds of occurring, like oxygen turning into gold. I've longed to witness such an event...; ...and out of that contradiction, against unfathomable odds, it's you - only you - that emerged. To distill so specific a form, from all that chaos. It's like turning air into gold. A miracle.


I hear "everything is great, but I am not so sure" ever so often that it's fuckin' unbelievable. I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would break up. You met someone and liked, and they liked you back, and you loved each other's company, and then you eventually started driving each other crazy and "it didn't work out"?! Huh?

For people who are single still, I feel sorry for you. The odds are stacked against you and there is little hope for you (lol). Live, is all, and maybe, just maybe lightning will strike (in this case, twice). And for people who are married or with someone and in love, go hug your Significant Other really hard right now right this moment, take a good look at them, smile, hold their hands, and know that they are your one in a million. You have witnessed a miracle.

A love letter to mother-in-law

Dear (potential) mother-in-law,


I know you are madly in love with me. But you know what they say, "Love ain't enough, dufus." Ye zaalim duniyaa aur ye kaatil zamaana. Let's take a step back, okay?

Susheel padha-likhaa ladkaa who will take good care of your daughter jise aapne itne pyaar se paal pos kar badaa kiya hai, what's there to not love? I get it. I love myself too. And if that isn't love, it will have to do until the real thing comes along.

Look, I know you want nothing but happiness for your daughter. I know the pressures society puts on you. I'm aware about "log kya kahenge". Just let her breathe, okay? It might be that she doesn't want to get married right now. It might be that she wants to figure out other things in her life, instead of "settling down." There is hardly an "umar" to get married. And I really hope you didn't freak out if your Visakhapatnam-raised daughter told you that she was in love with a Bihari boy and wanted to marry him. All those apprehensions about different cultures, communities, languages, or if the guy earned enough or not - look, it doesn't matter. If she told you about him, let her go. You believe in love, right? Trust your daughter to make the right decision for herself and her family. If the guy loves your daughter, he cannot not love you too. You will be surprised at the number of times I have heard "We cannot go against our parents' wishes." That's you, silly. Doesn't it make you all teared up with joy? Because sanskaar.

Stop pestering her. Things have changed, you know, and it's okay. Really. Ladki ki bua ki baaton mai mat aaiye. I wouldn't blame her though, I blame an overdose of Ekta Kapoor soaps, where she gets her ideas from. Your love got you and me here. Love gets challenged all the time, and if your love for me is enduring and true, we will get through all of this too one day.

I am reminded of a dialogue from Scent of a Woman. No, no, not the "This is such a crock of SHIT." one. The other one. This one:

"Let her continue on her journey. 
You hold this girl's future in your hands. It's a valuable future. Believe me. 
Don't destroy it. Protect it. Embrace it. It's gonna make you proud one day, 
I promise you."

One day, I will meet your daughter at some CCD a couple of times, and we both will really like each other. When that day comes, I will take you to a fancy restaurant, I will kneel, hold your hands, look straight into your eyes, and sincerely ask you, "Will you let your daughter marry me?" Okay?

Looking forward to stuffing myself with the kachoris and the gulaab jamuns which you are going to prepare for me when I visit after becoming your damaad ji.


Love,
Me

7 things wrong with our country

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Note 1: If you are looking for a government/politician-bashing rant, or a discussion about corruption consuming our nation, or a list which enumerates education, poverty, development et al, this post is not going to touch any of those things.

Note 2: This list is relative to things often found in other countries on most accounts.
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#7 Pull-to-open bags

This is a bag of delectable chips.

This is how it should be open-able...

...so we can enjoy our chips like this...

...NOT ruined by this.

If other countries in the world can have this, why can't we?! I mean, how difficult is it?!



#6 Coca-cola

This:

Just look at this. How can you not want to have this refreshing drink with lunch and dinner, and to go alongside the chips in #7. (I skipped mentioning breakfast for the risk of it being an overkill.) For most countries, bottomless coke, or for that matter, any drink other than water is offered alongwith meals by default. Water is the last thing you should be drinking, with the evolution of man.



#5 Airports

They suck. And before you go all "T3" on me, again, they suck. Travelling, especially air-travel, should be an experience, not a punishment. Travelling by air is the pinnacle of human achievement. Think about it, you are flying at 30,000 ft, half-way across the world in less than 24 hours, at more than 900 kms per hour, while dining and watching movies along the way, even watching cat videos on youtube, and liking others' updates about their amazing lives. Not to mention the spectacular views and the perspective you get on our planet.

Airports should present it as such. It should be huge, unlike anything you might have seen before. While you wait for your flight, you should have a magnificent view of the craft from the gate, through big glass panels, so you can marvel at its sheer size, filled with a childlike wonder. Not shoved into buses which take you on a tumbling ride towards your craft. There should be enough seating, clear signs and directions. The immigration should be polite, welcoming to its own citizens, a small "Welcome home." with a smile. The security should not feel derogatory. The experience should be welcoming. It's the pinnacle of human achievement, afterall.

#4 Public Signs/Addresses

A metro station should say "metro station", an airport or a railway station should be navigable from anywhere in the city, with signs that say "Airport -> 15 kms", and a bus-stop should say "Bus Stop". It made me think when a Chinese guy visiting India asked me at a bus stop, "How do you know that the bus will stop here?", and the only response I could give was, "Ummm, because this is where everyone else is standing.". It shouldn't be this way. 

And the addresses should make sense, with numbered streets and crossings. Do away with the MG roads! Use more numbers, PLEASE! This should not be how my address looks/sounds:

Opp. XYZ Hospital,
Near ABC Hotel,
Quite close to Forum mall,
Come straight from PQR Flyover, and take 2nd right, then left.

NO.

My address should look like this:
42, Lush Meadows Residence
7, Riverview Road, Bangalore.

That's IT.

#3 Utility stores / Vending Machines

Fewer malls, please? And more utility stores. Where I can go, pick things, pay money, and get out with minimal turnaround time. Maybe 7/11's at petrol pumps? And every other 100 meters too? And vending machines! Aaaargh. Quick turnaround time!

#2 Breakfast

There are CRORES of people who go to work every day. And they want breakfast. The corn-flakes, and the dosas and the idlys, and the paratha-sabzi are okay. People need to be able to grab a bite in the mornings, and quickly. Croissants, muffins, selection of juices and sandwiches, salads, fruits, as pre-packaged take-away, available close to any means of public transport. Also, coffee. How can so many other countries get this right, except us?! I will not even touch the despicable state of our lunches and dinners, but we can always work around that. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, remember?

#1 Respect for workers

Cheap labour, right? Be kind to the people working at your house. Give the auto-waalas 20 extra bucks. Talk to them, chat with them. Listen to their stories, they have several. Make a joke or two, and see them smile. Trust them. Offer them a glass of water, tea, or food after a few hours of hard manual work by default, which shouldn't be seen as an act of generosity, but of responsibility and of respect from a person, to another. Give them gifts on festivals, give them leaves. Give them a raise when you get one. Share your happiness with them, and be a part of theirs.

So many poor Indians go abroad to work as sweepers, cleaners, carpenters, construction workers, and they do that with their heads held high, with pride. They don't want to come back. Give them that opportunity here. Make them feel that they belong, and that we are fellow-countrymen.

Image ref: Million Dollar Smile

7 things wrong with our country...

Rajdhani Express (from Rajdhani Express)

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Note 1: I am posting this from Rajdhani Express.

Note 2: I realised that since I have come to Bangalore, I have not done any train journey at all! Specifically Rajdhani Express, it's been almost 8 years since I boarded one. It is the one thing that the Indian Railways gets right after-all (apart from Palace on Wheels, I suppose). I used to absolutely love the experience as a kid. They used to serve soup-sticks with soup. Soup-sticks! On a train! Must have that experience again. I am on an epic 34-hour journey from Delhi to Bangalore. On Rajdhani Express.
------------


I reached the Hazrat Nizamuddin station in Delhi well in advance. I went to my platform, my train was waiting for me. How sweet! I checked the passenger chart pasted beside the entrance of my coach 'B8', not to confirm my name on the chart, but for a more customary glance to scout for 'F22' to 'F26' "fellow" passengers. This is the reason I had booked a 3rd AC ticket as against a 2nd AC ticket. You have 5 fellow passengers in 2nd AC, but 7 fellow passengers in 3rd AC. I was merely hoping to tilt 'Law of averages' in my favour. If it worked, imagine a cute girl sitting next to you with nowhere to go and no-one to talk to but you for 34 hours. Thirty, four, hours! I could have then let my charm do the rest.

As luck would have it, most of my co-passengers are > 'M45'. Worse, there is a family travelling with an ever-curious 8-year old kid travelling ALL the way to Bangalore with me. The annoying kid began asking his dad weird questions, which apparently pissed off his dad, even. The kid wanted to know a real-time answer to "Papa, train ki speed kitni hai abhi?", asked every two minutes. The geek in me made me tell the dad that there was an android app which he could install on his phone which tells the exact speed using GPS. Indirectly, my way of telling the kid to STFU. Thank goodness for the invention of GPS. One annoying kid shut up. And as if fate hadn't already had all the fun with me, there were two cute girls, my age, sitting bang in the next compartment. I smiled at them, they ignored me, life moved on. I realised that my coach was a bait rather than a 'B8', and I had fallen into its trap.


The clock struck 8:50 PM, and the train moved. Woah! ON TIME?! Like I said, the one thing Indian Railways gets right.

As soon as the train started, the staff jumped to action, and oh boy, first up, soup with soup-sticks! Paisa wasool already! While sipping my soup, I realised that a train journey is so much more comfortable than air travel. You have ample space to sleep, eat, stretch, relax. Plus, for people who smoke, there are two excellent smoking lounges (read: toilets) on both sides of the coach! If only the staff who served food looked like their Indian air-travel counterpart:

So, after a proper three-course dinner, I took out my laptop, and aptly for the moment, decided to watch a romantic comedy - 'The Princess Bride'. Nothing much about the movie, except that I found parts of the movie mildly annoying. It did though answer something for me which I have been thinking about since I started watching 'Sherlock'. Remember the pilot episode? In which the cabbie has pills in two containers in front of him, one of them poisoned and the other not, and our hero has to deduce which one is poisonous and has to make his pick. Well, the case gets solved, cabbie is killed (apologies for the spoiler), but we never find out which was the correct choice. The exact same game is played in 'The Princess Bride', with a solution that is both plausible and mind-boggling, even in the context of 'Sherlock', which made the movie worthwhile.


Another equally awesome discovery I made on this trip was Alpenliebe Mangofillz, which they served with the evening snacks. Oh. My. God. I haven't had a candy so full of joy in a LONG time. Smooth, delicious, filled with raw mango awesomeness! I am going to buy me a jar as soon as I reach Bangalore!

About 12 hours of my journey to go, which includes a movie or two, and another awesome dinner, until Bangalore...



Rajdhani Express (from Rajdhani Express)...

7 types of dancers at Indian weddings

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Note 1: With the wedding season on, here's to The Great Indian Wedding.

Note 2: I am most interested in weddings for the food.
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Indian weddings are so much fun! And dancing. Dance is an integral part of the weddings. Baraat. And the relatively recent development - "DJ". The types of dancers, not an exhaustive list, typically found -



#1 The good dancer
They have no agenda and just enjoy dancing. They really don’t care what anyone else is doing. Often, this includes the prettiest girl around, and you cannot help but be smitten by such grace. Often the bride's sister, or her best friends.

#2 The performer
They need a stage to show the people how great their dance movies are, and treat dancing not as an expression of happiness at weddings but as a full-blown stage-performance, often at the risk of it being not fun anymore.

#3 The moves copier
They are not the best dancers around, but have seen enough videos on the TV to know the exact moves. They will eagerly wait for their song, and become unstoppable once it does. Often, these are the same people who will try to pull the by-standers to the floor and try to make them dance alongwith them, resulting in the 1-minute teasers.

#4 The 1-minute teaser
This is the person who is usually a by-stander, gets pulled into the mix by someone, gives us a 1 minute display of awkward dance moves, usually coupled with a lot of clapping. Then, obviously embarrassed, but trying very hard to not let it show, sheepishly goes off, until, of course, someone else drags them again soon enough. They, in turn, also drag a few other by-standers with them to share their embarrassment.

#5 The Bhangra dancer
One move fits all, irrespective of the song played. Punjabi or not.

#6 The Shady Casanova
This man wants to dance with each and every pretty looking girl on the floor, except, the pretty single girl on the dance floor is perfectly happy dancing with other pretty single girls on the dance floor. They often include the groom's best friends still single, who, under peer-pressure coupled with quarter-life crisis, feel they have to take matters in their own hands, right then, right there.

#7 The Hipster Uncle
The cool-dude uncle who think he's "still got it". Usually the one who dives in head-first, often after 5 pegs of McDowell's, and does not seem to want to to quit. On an already crowded dance floor, this uncle, by some miracle, clears a 2-meters-radius space around him.

7 types of dancers at Indian weddings...

Right is right, left is wrong or: How I Learned to Stop

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Note 1: I have been to several countries, but never have I driven a vehicle outside India until now.

Note 2: Caution - speed bump ahead. This is a rant by an average Indian lost in the roads of a foreign land.
------------

If you are a holder of an Indian driver's license (international or not), and are employed by an American company, you are allowed to drive on American roads. You shouldn't be. Here's why.

You have to drive on the right side of the road! Now, one might think it isn't that much of a big deal, right? Wrong! When you are driving on an expressway (more on that later), it is okay, you have to keep straight. The trouble begins when you are at a crossing, and you have to turn left.

Pardon me, I am bad at drawing. But you do get the idea, right? And ALL the driving instincts that you developed back at home will force you to turn the car into the wrong side of the road! 

Inside American cars, everything is a mirror-image of how everything is placed inside Indian cars. The driving wheel is on the left instead of right, for example. I mean, of course this isn't as life threatening as turning into the wrong side of the road, but you do end up being taken aback when while trying to turn on the indicator, you end up switching on the wiper instead!

And if this wasn't enough, enter automatic-transmission. Yes, yes, there are those kinds in India too, but how many? Automatic-transmission cars have only two pedals that you need to operate, accelerator and brake. And you can get accelerator to work only by first hitting the brake! Aaaah, kill me!

In India, we have been brought up to think that we should be driving on the middle of the road. Like Kings. Well, that wouldn't go too well here. You don't have to drive over the dotted white line on the road, but between the lines! "Keep to your own lane", is the motto on the road. And, if you really must change lanes, you need to flash the indicator, look into the three rear-view mirrors, then actually look back to confirm that there is no-one just behind you because of the blind-spot in the rear-view mirrors, and then gradually change lanes! All this while keeping an eye on the speed so you don't cross the limit. Goodness! And even the gradual shifting is difficult because we are accustomed only to 90° turns, not changing lanes when we have to go straight! Who changes lanes going straight?!


And then there are expressways. High-speed roads which connect long distances. You can get on or get off an expressway by taking the ramp or the exit respectively. Speed limits. Speed limits on these expressways are typically in the range of 60 mph (96.5 kmph) to 75 mph (120 kmph). Funny thing about the speed-limit is that it isn't so much the limit on the speed, as it is the speed you are expected to drive! 50 mph, and you are going too slow (and have cars overtake you left and right!). Plus, you can push it to 65 mph on a 60 mph limit. So much that the cars on an expressway are more-or-less at a zero relative velocity to each other. (Yes, the concepts of uniform motion you learnt in school come-in handy.) Which also means that you can change lanes if there is no-one to your left or right, irrespective of someone being in front of you or behind you, a concept which takes a LOT of getting used to.


The savior, of course, is the GPS. Without it, you are lost in the concrete jungle. Except, when the GPS goes on harping, "Take EXIT! Take EXIT!", and you see no exit! "Ah, there it was.", you would go, right after you've missed it. And do not worry if you miss an exit. Your loyal siri-like GPS would "recalculate" the route for you, and ask you to take the next exit, provided you see it of course. All this, is of course easier than following instructions such as - "Turn right, and then keep left on highway XYZ". Turn right and then keep left?! Yes, 'cause if you don't, the road branching on the right will take you some place else! Yes, and then there are "Right only", "Must exit", "Left only" lanes. And if by the grace of God you land up on a "Right only" lane by mistake, turn right, no matter what. No stop, reverse, get-on-the-right-track for this country.


And finally, the Stop Sign. A marvel of traffic engineering, something that is NEVER going to work in India. When you see a stop sign, you stop. Stop, stop, stop. And the one who arrived at the stop sign first, gets to go first! I arrive at a stop sign, and every time, every single time, I marvel at the civility with which people stop, and then wait for everyone who arrived before them to go, and then go their own way. I can NEVER imagine something like this working in India, because here, the one who can go first, goes first. Everywhere.


Right is right, left is wrong or: How I Learned to Stop...

What do women want?

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Note 1: I am but a mere speck in the Universe, a no-one in the Grand scheme of things. So, let me at the outset declare, that I am in no way capable of answering the posed question. I will still try to answer it, just like I try to dance (at a disc) when I am incapable of dancing.


Note 2: Girls reading this (if any), take this with a pinch of salt. I am not a total ass, I have written some 'aww-ish' posts earlier, like 'I See You', and 'Memory/Memories'. :)
------------


Well, well. Now that all the disclaimers are in place, I might as well get down to some ass kicking and kicking ass! :D I have been thinking about this question since quite some time now. So, like most of the people of our generation, who turn to Google if they want answers, I tried to search  for it too. On Google. And I am sure none of you would be surprised when I tell you that no sooner had I typed "what do " in the search box, there, Google popped me a suggestion - "what do women want?". Imagine the relief I got! It is heartening to know that I am not the only one clueless, the entire world is! And when I completed the search query, I got 99.1 million search results! Ninety-nine point one freakin' million results! Whoa! :D


I am sure it must be all the losers doing all that writing. You know, like the great Socrates said, "By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." Ha! And judging by the fact that Socrates became a philosopher, now we all know how he fared. (And similar logic will lead you to judge me as well. Like I care.)


So, I began my quest for answering this apparently un-answerable question by tackling another, easier question first. Something I can relate to, and I am acquainted with. That question is, "What do men want?". I did research, and conducted surveys. I present to you the results of the second survey I did below, in the form of a pie-chart:

Now, keen readers would have noticed that above are the results from the second survey, and not the first survey that I did. That has been done because, otherwise, my tabulated results would have looked like this:

So, I had to strike this option out for the second survey to get some meaningful answers. (Yeah, since when has our generation considered sex "meaningful" anyway.) Anyway, the fact of the matter is, if you look at either of the charts above, you will notice, that men are pretty clear about what they want, and the objects or things of their desire are quantifiable and can be expressed mathematically.


Women, on the other hand, are made of sterner stuff. Only a fool attempts to quantify their desires and tries to express it in simple mathematical terms. With whatever little experience and understanding I have, I have come up with the following (single-line) explanation of what women want:

"Women want men to understand what they want without their telling it to them."

Friends, don't let this seemingly straight-forward sentence confuse you. It is the most devious plan designed to always make you fail. To understand it, you have to first understand where does this come from. This stems from the women-folk's inability to discover and know what they really want. So this, in effect, outsources the thinking to the men-folk. Men-folk, who were truly happy playing their video games and watching movies, are now forced to think for the women to win her, and themselves becoming unhappy over a due course of time at their repeated failures. And try and picture this from a girl's point of view. Someone, who had no clue of what she wanted (and is aware of the results of the first survey that I did!), now has several men doing the thinking for her, and creative, and ingenious thinking at that! Plus, she also gets to throw tantrums, make a face, and say, "No, this is not what I really want.", and then move on to the second and the third option. Until, she comes across something that is seemingly awesome, and then she can glee-fully go, "Yes! This is exactly what I want! :) ". Sheer genius, ain't it?


Feel free to leave comments, or you can contact me directly to send me hate-mails, about any and everything, including:


What do women want?!!!

Coyote (and love)

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Note 1: This is what I was doing on last Valentine's Day. I know, sad.

Note 2: This is what I am doing on this Valentine's Day. I know, sad(der).
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Coyote and Road Runner. Awesome, right! :D

I know, we all loved how Coyote's grand plans failed to capture Road Runner, and the joy we got when Road Runner went "Beep! Beep!" and vanished! And even more when Coyote just knew that it was over for him, and did not resist the situation, and went down, just like that, with a blank expression! :D

BUT, it got weird over time. Its like it is narrating our life's story. And no, we are not Road Runner, we are Coyote. :| How?


There are certain Laws and Rules which goes on in the background -


1. Road Runner cannot harm Coyote except by going "beep, beep."

one. Yup, a girl cannot harm us except by going "beep, beep.". (not counting the "thadaaaak!" sound the slap makes). That's enough damage for us anyway.


2. No outside force can harm the Coyote — only his own ineptitude or failure.

two. LOL. Our own ineptitude and failure is enough. Outside forces enter sometimes, when the girl has a boyfriend, or a disproportionately huge brother.


3. The Coyote could stop anytime — IF he were not a fanatic.

three. Fanatic? :| Romantic, you mean?


4. No dialogue ever, except "beep, beep" and yowling in pain.

four. Haha, that depends on whether we have got anything else that we can say, and yes, mostly, we don't.


5. Road Runner must stay on the road — for no other reason than that he's a roadrunner.

five. So now we know where to look?


6. All action must be confined to the natural environment of the two characters.

six. Natural environment. Hmmm. I am pretty sure we need an unnatural environment for ourselves. Ohk, THAT makes it a catch 22. :|


7. All tools, weapons, or mechanical conveniences must be obtained from the Acme Corporation.

seven. I see. And where is Acme Corporation?


8. Whenever possible, make gravity the Coyote's greatest enemy.

eight. Gravity (or, lack thereof) IS our greatest enemy! :D


9. The Coyote is always more humiliated than harmed by his failures.

nine. Like I am (would be), after I am done with this post. Or, in a general case, you get the sense.


10. The audience's sympathy must remain with the Coyote.

ten. Yes, mutual sympathy in our brotherhood is what has been making us to keep going. Sometimes we are Coyote, sometimes the audience, but sympathy shall remain.


11. The Coyote is not allowed to catch the road runner.

eleven. Please change this. Please! Allow? Why do we need allow(ance)? We should have that by default, right? Or maybe we are not. And hence the predicament. Blah.


Some light entertainment after a (majorly) boring post...




Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Coyote (and love)...

Re: Idiot Volvo bus drivers

22nd November, 2010
Bengaluru, Karnataka

Dear citizens of Bengaluru,

I hope this letter finds you high on spirits (lol, no pun intended!). I am writing this letter so that you gain some insight into my life, before you make those nasty remarks and hold a grudge against me. So what if I drive a bus! FYI, the bus I drive is air-conditioned, and manufactured by a Swedish company, so in a way, I am a part of the elite too. Let me begin...

I was born in the sub-urbs of Bangalore. And, like every child, I had dreams. As a child, I used to look up in the sky, at those mighty flying planes, and used to wonder if I could fly them one day. But, over time I realised, planes? Seriously? What fun would be to drive planes in the sky, without any speed-breakers, or traffic, or fun! Of course, I had heard that there were these glamorous air-hostesses, with more make-up on their faces than butter on my toast, but I decided to sacrifice a little, and get a job I would be really interested in doing and love to do every day of my life. I decided to become a bus driver. Not just any bus driver. I chose to drive the elegant, air-conditioned Volvo, the pride of Bengaluru, and lend my services to the society.

Now, you would like to think that I have a boring job. How could driving buses all over Bangalore throughout the day be interesting, you ask? I’ll tell you how. I make people fall in love. Don’t get confused by the word-play there. People in love (or so they think), fall, literally. The moment I notice a guy giving an uncalled for look to a girl on the bus, I press the brakes so goddamn hard, that, well, he falls. That too when I am cruising the bus quite fast at 3000 feet above the sea level (Remember? I had a dream. In true Martin King style.) And then I have a good chuckle. Sometimes this action becomes a necessity too. When the bus is jam-packed, I HAVE to do this so that people inside can settle a little. Twice, or thrice generally does the trick.

Otherwise, I am generally kind to people (ummm, mostly ladies. Ah, what the hell, always ladies). So when I see a damsel in distress on the road, waiting for me to rescue them, I, as if I were a prince riding my steed, stop the bus in the middle of the road, even if it is not a designated halt. And, I always open the front door for them, not the rear, so that I can have a quick look at their pretty faces and dazzling smiles. Oh, their smiles makes my job worth it, everyday! Well, now, this action of mine does not go very well with some idiotic guys. Not entirely their fault though. If they have been meaning to get off through the rear door, I open the front one, and vice-versa. Sometimes, if there are only few guys who have to get off, I race past their stop, and drop them at the next stop. As if I give a damn. :P And sometimes they tend to argue. To them I say this - "ಹೂ ದಿ ಹೇಳಲ್ ಯೌ ಥಿಂಕ್ ಯೌ ಅರೆ". Did not understand what that means? Neither do they! And precisely why I say that. These non-Kannada people think that they can get away without knowing our native language. Hah, think again!

So, next time you are on a Volvo bus, think about me, and know, that whatever I do is out of my sense of service to you, with a couple of practical jokes here and there. All in good spirit though. :)

Humbly, at your service always,
your-friendly-neighbourhood Volvo bus driver

Why I like to f***(book)

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Note 1: Like in the Hollywood, when they run out of ideas (I haven't yet, still...), they make sequels, or reboot a series, to make it darker or deeper, so am I, completing my 'The f***book trilogy'. But, it often does not work. So, I promise, there will (probably :P) be no more posts about f***book after this.

Note 2: I would have liked to call this post 'The f***book Revolutions'. In which case, 'The f***book Reloaded' can be found here, and 'The f***book' can be found here.
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I have pretty much lashed out on f***book in the previous editions of my posts. In my final installment, I would like to end it on a good note. Well, truth and happiness should prevail in the end, isn't it? There are some very good things that I like about f***book.


1) Lists

Your online-social-life can get pretty f***ed on f***book when you have several members of your family/boss/office colleagues/professors/other (unwanted) people in your friends list :D . Only if you don't know how to use lists. Head straight to your friends list, and segregate your friends into different lists, it would take 5 minutes. This done, you can share updates only with specific lists of people, read updates by people in a specific list, and appear online only for people in a specific list. Like they say, use protection on f***book. Better safe than worry.


2) Games / Applications

Some of the games and applications are pretty neat. I am not talking about Mafia Wars, or Farmville here. I am talking about some pretty cool and classic games like UNO and Scrabble, which one can play multi-player, in real-time, with their friends, or with people from around the world.


3) Idiocy

Trust me, it will keep you engaged. When you see some of the updates, you realize that there is practically no limits to the idiocy people can do on f***book. I thought Failbook was fictitious, until, similar updates started creeping into my updates. Its fun! Forget the status updates, it is hilarious to know what people "like". I didn't know 58,969 (and counting) people like "Breathing", 534,155 (and counting) people like "Food", and 1,245,847 (and counting) people like "Sleeping"; so much that they feel it imperative for other people to know. I don't know how will this get any better and more hilarious than this, but I trust f***book to get even better, the people will make it. Period.


4) Shameless self-promotion

When I make a post, I would goddamn shout upon you to read it. Read it. Read it. READ IT, WILL YOU?  And, 'like' it. 'Like' it. 'LIKE' IT, WILL YOU? I would naturally do it on f***book. And now my blog is integrated with f***book, so you can 'like' my posts on the blog itself. \m/ \m/ Do I feel ashamed doing this? Hell no! I deserve this after suffering the atrocities of people in my friends list in my updates. \m/


5) Privacy settings

F***book has pretty strong and powerful privacy settings. BUT, people don't know how to use it, and mess up. Oh the joy! When you visit a profile, and are able to circumvent the privacy settings, knowing that you are among the few people who can do it. :D Geek-joy in f***book-dom. :D


6) Google ka baap

There was a time when Google was Microsoft ka baap. Until, Google realized that its baap has pwned the web. F***book is already ahead of Google in terms of the time people spend on the site. Further, Google seems so intimidated by f***book, that it had to launch Buzz to counter it. The problem with f***book being more powerful is, the more powerful the beast is, the more scary the beast is. But, as long as two mighty and gigantic beasts are busy fighting it out in the ring, we might very well sit back, relax, and enjoy the show! I 'like' it.


P.S: I have only listed six, and not the usually attempted seven, for a reason... ;)

Why I like to f***(book)...

Spotting an IITian on f***book 101

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Note 1: This post is written by analyzing only 'guy' IITians, because 'girl' IITians is too small a sample-space to be useful for any meaningful statistical analysis. A previous post on f***book can be found here.

Note 2: This is NOT a Fool's Day prank!
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This post has been named 'Spotting an IITian on f***book 101', because, this is like a course. It has no real-world applications (unless there are a host of people [read girls] that I am unaware of trying to discover IITians), but reading this would give you a lot of (useless) information.

Below, I will list out traits, one or more of which are invariably found exclusively on the profiles of students from Indian Institutes of Technology. (Caution: This is applicable mostly to people currently studying)


1) Single

It is a glorious badge displayed on the profile. "Hey there, I am single. ;) " Their "Looking for:" will read "Friendship, Dating", and their "Interested in:" will read "Women". They will also have an awesome profile picture, a picture which they feel makes them look really cute/smart/sexy, but they end up looking like a jack-ass. And yes, an amazing "About Me:" section, which will tell the world that they are as good as a guy can get. Of course, all this seldom works.


2) Friend of the Day

They will use such applications everyday, and by some magic/divine intervention, the friend f***book picks is ALWAYS a girl. Other variants include 'Date of the Day', 'Who has a secret crush on you?' and the like. If, by any chance, the application has a name such has 'How many girls secretly admire you?', the answer will be a number greater than their age, which is ironic, because often they don't have that many girls on their list! :D


3) Cuteness Index

They tend to use applications which tell them how cute/sexy/romantic they are, or how well they know girls, and the result that they get from these games/quizzes is ALWAYS the best possible anyone can get. This does not impress anyone who reads these updates on their wall, but it does help them boost their ego a little bit, and enable to see them the light at the end of the tunnel. Because, hope doth set you free...


4) Intelligence Quotient

IQ is one thing every IITian is proud of. So, he feels obligated to show this off to the world by playing any and every quiz that tells them that they are "among the top 0.5% intelligent people of all f***book users". These tests have become so credible, that soon there will be no need to conduct silly examinations like JEE, and cracking these quizzes will be enough for somebody who wants to study at an IIT.


5) What's on your mind?

Because the homepage is refreshed every 5 minutes, they see "What's on your mind?" every 5 minutes too, and then say to themselves "Oh crap! I will have to share what's on my mind again :| ". Not only this, they feel it imperative to post the results of each and every quiz they took and game they played on their wall, so that its updates are displayed on EVERYONE's wall. And yes, if they don't get any new updates from their friends on their homepage for more than half an hour, they will post something like "Whats wrong with everyone today? No activity on f***book!!! :( ".


6) Friends List

No. of friends > 500
No. of girls in friend list < 10% X total friends
No. of girls in their list who are committed > 90% X (10% X total friends)
No. of boys in their list who are committed < 10% X (90% X total friends)


7) Photo Album

Yes, they will have an overloaded album just to show the world how "happening" their life is. Also commonly found are pictures of inanimate objects shot with a weird angle to show that they are passionate about "photography". 


P.S. : These traits statistically apply to 90% of all IITians. Also, 90% of all IITians reading this will tell themselves, "Thank God! I am in the other 10%!". Meanwhile, of course I belong to the other 10%. :D :P

Spotting an IITian on F***book 101...

BCD

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Note 1: After the overdose of 'girls' in my previous two posts, I thought I should focus a little on 'guys' now. Girls are not the most important thing in life after all, or is it? :D Though, I intend to complete a series of 7 posts on 'girls', sometime in the future maybe.

Note 2: This is probably my first post that can be classified as a 'Personal Rant', something which I have tried to avoid all along. One man's nostalgia is another man's boredom. But, IDGAF. It is MY blog after all. Though, I will try to keep it interesting. And in any case, who reads my blog anyway. (including the fictitious people mentioned here...)
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The years at college give us the most amazing friends we are probably going to find during our life. I found none. Sad. That is the reason why, when I am on the verge on leaving college, getting nostalgic and all that crap...I am forced to write about 5 fictitious people I hoped I would have met. Also the precise reason why the title of this post doesn't mean anything. I would have been extremely lucky had I got the privilege of meeting such cool people.


Anubhav Sahoo

Have you seen 'The Matrix'? Remember that guy who did weird things into the computer and got Neo into the Matrix. That character personifies Sahoo. He can do weird stuff using computers. His heart doesn't pump blood, it pumps Javascript. His girlfriend is 'Age of Empires', and that is the ONLY reason why he is single. Girls, you can give him a try if you want to, but let me warn you in advance, he would like to kiss his 2 GB RAM before he would to you. He is also the inventor of a super-secret submarine, which also flies :O. The Indian Armed Forces doesn't know about this yet. Also, his stomach has been known to store 15-20 litres of an inflammable volatile liquid at a time.



Abhinav Shashank

He is THE 'Man from Earth'. He has graced this planet for thousands of years by his august presence. Only, in the process, he ended up a little...ummm...errr...slanted. Believers believe that he has the entire universe inside his mouth. He has walked on water, and turned water to wine. His boons have made billionaires. He has been there and done every possible thing on this whole wide Earth. So much that soon there will be a school in his name at IIT Kharagpur - (A)bhinav (S)hashank (S)chool of (H)VAC (O)r (L)iquid (E)ngineering.



Dhawal Nanda

@All single girls, this cute and handsome guy is single and available (just like 4 out of 5 people in this post are). He is also a good dancer, his favorite number being 'Kajra Re' (his favorite role in that song being that of Aishwarya Rai's). I would advise you not to make any delay, go to his profile, and send him a friend request, he WILL accept it. A true gentleman, he will be the first to strike a conversation, and will ALWAYS return your calls. He is a good listener, and is always ready to lend emotional support during times of distress. He is what you call a perfect package. I wonder why the package has been left unopened yet. I challenge any guy out there who can claim he can boast of a better figure than him :D


Nitesh Mishra

His army background gave him the opportunities of his lifetime, but the gentleman that he is, he let it all go. His traits has often been likened to a crow, and there have been several documentaries on him. He is proud to have eaten only 'French fries' all his life, which earned him the name, much to his dislike, 'Aloo-man'. He doesn't believe in getting married, but instead, in getting marriages done. He knows all the mantras and shlokas by heart, and can be of very good use for all his friends some time soon in the future (hopefully...). He is also known to get violent in the company of small creatures (read Shobhit Singhal).



Shobhit Singhal

'Shobhit ka dimaag Chacha Chowdhary se bhi tez chalta hai'. True Story. What I don't understand about him is where does he store all that brainpower, because the frame of his body is too small for a brain of that size. He is also known to carry a wonderland in his bag, open it, and out comes "one matchstick, 2 GB RAM (just in case of an emergency), one eraser, no pencils, a book on 'Power Systems' (incidentally his favorite subject, has scored a 'P'erfect in all Systems courses), a toothbrush, a railway ticket to Kolkata, a used condom, a crumpled agarbatti, and a dinosaur's egg". He is also dead-against smoking, he can put off any lit cigarette in his vicinity, even when he doesn't want to. He has vowed to get back at Nitesh Mishra, and any other person that has/will get violent with him, and has joined Gym to this effect.



PS : Due apologies to the people missing in the first pic, I will replace it when I get a pic with everyone in it...

BCD...

F***book

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Note 1: The *s in the title of the post doesn't stand for what you think it does you pervert. It stands for "ace".

Note 2: "Yo" "Social" "Networking".
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Web 2.0 brought with itself an interesting and a rather irritating revolution with it, Social Networking. Let me not talk about Social Networks in general, lets talk about something that has got everyone hooked onto the social media, F***book.

As a concept, I applaud F***book, and I applaud you Mark Zuckerberg. F***book empowers people to stay in touch with family and friends, share pictures, videos, and other interesting things that they may stumble upon the internet. BUT, please, please watch the movie 'Spiderman', and always remember, 'with great power comes great responsibility'.


1. Public Romance

Wow! You are in love? Alright. Congratulations. You make a cute couple. But, if you want to say something to your 'love' about your love, there is an option to send personal message. Writing it on your wall is NOT cute. And, you DON'T have to 'like' each and every post made my him/her. And the picture that he/she just uploaded, I know it looks great, but the comment you just made on it, it can be a little more subtle than "awww...chooo chweeeeett....you look amazinggggg in this picture. luvvvv ya. muah!!!!!!!".


2. What @#^%$# are you?

Seriously? You think I have got nothing better to do with my life than to know what chocolate/ice-cream flavour/mathematical function/movie character/actor/actress/movie quote/song/superhero/$^%$/&^%*&/%^%$^ you are. Trust me, I don't want to know it, and neither does anyone else. Nor do we want to know who your perfect date is, or when are you going to die, or how many people secretly admire you, or how good a kisser you are, or whatever other superpower you might like to have in your fantasy world. Face it, if a f***book quiz says Megan Fox is your perfect match, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET HER. EVER. PERIOD.


3. Farming and the Underworld

Seriously? You have got nothing better to do with your life than to grow strawberries/potatoes/tomatoes and adopt that lonely cow that wandered on your field, and earn ribbons for doing it? And yeah, the bank robberies, gang wars, and the other "underground" activities that you indulge in right under everyone's nose, please DONT try to make me a part of it by sending me an occasional gun, rifle, revolver or money. And just like I dont want to be a mafia, I dont want to be a vampire too, or any other mythical/mythological/imaginary/real creature you might think of. I am perfectly fine the way I am.



And yeah, for all the sufferers due to above, make extravagant use of the 'Block' and the 'Hide' buttons. They are there just to protect us from the atrocities of our fellow human-beings.

F***book...

Fachcha doubts, or is it?

Come July each year, the "cream" of the society has doubts. Doubts regarding their underwears, buckets and mugs in toilets, air conditioners, internet connectivity and a plethora of other (useful?) things. These doubts originate in the most brilliant minds, which obviously speaks volumes about the brilliance of the doubts itself.

In case you are still wondering, I am talking about the students entering into the hallowed portals of Indian Institute of Technology, or lovingly called the IIT. Each year, the new entrants into this institute ask their seniors about various doubts that they have, like will the mosquito bite them, or will they be served food in the mess, or will they have to study. Frusst with the recurring doubts each year, I decided to clear a few doubts for the fresher students. Below is the query, and the reply, as posted on the IIT Kharagpur community on orkut.com

Vishal:

i m new to kgp

in aerospace dept. btech course
can u tell me what books will be required
how are the hostels allotted
and will we have to stay there from the registration day?

Pulkit

Hey vishal,

Now that you are into IIT, the premier technological institute of the country, there are very high standards of education, especially at Kharagpur, now that it is ranked No.1 in most college surveys.

You have to study a lot of books, studies is going to be everything now. And now that you have joined the Aerospace department, you will be expected to know a lot about aerodymanics and flight simulation before you come here.

Have you read "harry potter" series? It gives a lot of insight into flying, especially brooms, and the subtle art of Quidditch. Also, Microsoft has released a software called "Microsoft Flight Simulator", which will help you very much.

There is also an excellent book by Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam, "Wings of Fire", which gives you insight into a more subtle form of flying.

For allotting the hostels, there is a gadget called the Sorting Hat, developed by the Department of Electronics and Electrical Communication Engineering. Just hope you are not sorted into SN or RLB, you will not like to go in them.

Yes, you have to stay here from the registration day, there is no going back even if you want to. Its like a sentence you have to serve for four years.

Post any more queries you might have, we will be glad to help.